Wednesday, August 10, 2011


It's official. I resigned from my co-directorship yesterday. And I feel gooooood, so gooood, I got my freedom, to plagarize James Brown!

It has been an agonizing decision. I love the workshop, the community in which it is held, and the participants (except when they have mosquito bites and make me go to the ER because they want to believe it is bedbugs).

But... isn't there always one of these in any situtation?

The long and the short of it is this: I was tired of working my arse off and someone else taking credit. I was tired of being jumped on for my political beliefs (which are more conservative than my partner's). I was tired of being treated like an administrative assistant. I was tired of people not even hazarding to think I had any knowledge on the topic just because I didn't have a PhD (piled higher and deeper). Or that I had nothing to say because I live on a farm in NW NC. After all, what could a gal in that situation think? Doesn't one need to be urbane to think? And, the final straw came when the partner screamed at me in a public place about an issue and the Entire Restaurant Turned Around and Listened to his rant. OMGoodness. Can you say mortified??

I share all this for one reason. Certainly all of us, except those few narsicistic souls who believe it is all about them, have been in this position. Many of us are boxed into relationships of some kind and feel like it is the Tar Baby -- we can't let go because we feel stuck.

Something happened to me in Walden Pond that I can't explain. I saw my life in a way that I understand addicts do: a moment of clarity when they realize the path they are on and can see both roads their life might take. As I floated there, I saw that my life was chocked full of things and people I really didn't like. And, I felt, as Henry wrote, that I was living a life of quiet desparation. There is a lot of pain accompanying this feeling and I wanted the pain to stop. And, the only way to do it was to clear all the clutter and say what I truly felt with kindness and love.

I slept the best last night that I have in months. It feels good to just say, "No." Heck, I might even get into the habit.


  1. Congratulations! Making this kind of decision is always tough...but when you's liberating! You sound energized and happy. And it's always a bit exciting to think what might be coming up around the next bend in life.

  2. Congratulations Matty! A big decision,but it sounds like you are clear you are making the right choice. Time is so fleeting, we shouldn't squander it doing things we would rather not do. Now on to the next stage of your remarkable life!

  3. Good for you--no need to take that baloney:-) Now, you won't get up here...oh, I know, get up here for a Tasha Tudor retreat! They will open more of her house next year! I will pick you up at the airport and we'll head to Vermont for an adventure!

  4. PhD (piled higher and deeper). ROFL!!!!!!

    (Had never heard that before but I LOVE it! - Everyone knows one, right?)

    Enjoy your new freedom!

  5. I can feel the relief.... the hardest place is to be in a situation we 'hate' and believe we have no choice about leaving it.

    Glad you had a Walden moment of clarity in which you discovered the courage to say no!

  6. Great decision! When the grace has lifted and stuff becomes a bother rather than a joy... it is TIME to look at it all in the rear view mirror.

    Life is too short to have to put up with rude people voluntarily.

    It's funny that I live in the country next to a liberal (for the Midwest that is) university town and I rarely get anyone putting me down for not having a PhD. I think it is because those who do around here realize it only means you are "educated beyond your intelligence", hehehe.

    My very beloved son-in-law has a PhD and Stephanie always likes to remind him that means he knows a lot about one thing (math) and little about the rest. He just smiles and agrees.

    SO good to hear you decided to let something bringing you so much distress GO...


Thanks for dropping in on the farm today! I enjoy your comments!