It's official. I resigned from my co-directorship yesterday. And I feel gooooood, so gooood, I got my freedom, to plagarize James Brown!
It has been an agonizing decision. I love the workshop, the community in which it is held, and the participants (except when they have mosquito bites and make me go to the ER because they want to believe it is bedbugs).
But... isn't there always one of these in any situtation?
The long and the short of it is this: I was tired of working my arse off and someone else taking credit. I was tired of being jumped on for my political beliefs (which are more conservative than my partner's). I was tired of being treated like an administrative assistant. I was tired of people not even hazarding to think I had any knowledge on the topic just because I didn't have a PhD (piled higher and deeper). Or that I had nothing to say because I live on a farm in NW NC. After all, what could a gal in that situation think? Doesn't one need to be urbane to think? And, the final straw came when the partner screamed at me in a public place about an issue and the Entire Restaurant Turned Around and Listened to his rant. OMGoodness. Can you say mortified??
I share all this for one reason. Certainly all of us, except those few narsicistic souls who believe it is all about them, have been in this position. Many of us are boxed into relationships of some kind and feel like it is the Tar Baby -- we can't let go because we feel stuck.
Something happened to me in Walden Pond that I can't explain. I saw my life in a way that I understand addicts do: a moment of clarity when they realize the path they are on and can see both roads their life might take. As I floated there, I saw that my life was chocked full of things and people I really didn't like. And, I felt, as Henry wrote, that I was living a life of quiet desparation. There is a lot of pain accompanying this feeling and I wanted the pain to stop. And, the only way to do it was to clear all the clutter and say what I truly felt with kindness and love.
I slept the best last night that I have in months. It feels good to just say, "No." Heck, I might even get into the habit.