Freedom

It's official. I resigned from my co-directorship yesterday. And I feel gooooood, so gooood, I got my freedom, to plagarize James Brown!

It has been an agonizing decision. I love the workshop, the community in which it is held, and the participants (except when they have mosquito bites and make me go to the ER because they want to believe it is bedbugs).

But... isn't there always one of these in any situtation?

The long and the short of it is this: I was tired of working my arse off and someone else taking credit. I was tired of being jumped on for my political beliefs (which are more conservative than my partner's). I was tired of being treated like an administrative assistant. I was tired of people not even hazarding to think I had any knowledge on the topic just because I didn't have a PhD (piled higher and deeper). Or that I had nothing to say because I live on a farm in NW NC. After all, what could a gal in that situation think? Doesn't one need to be urbane to think? And, the final straw came when the partner screamed at me in a public place about an issue and the Entire Restaurant Turned Around and Listened to his rant. OMGoodness. Can you say mortified??

I share all this for one reason. Certainly all of us, except those few narsicistic souls who believe it is all about them, have been in this position. Many of us are boxed into relationships of some kind and feel like it is the Tar Baby -- we can't let go because we feel stuck.

Something happened to me in Walden Pond that I can't explain. I saw my life in a way that I understand addicts do: a moment of clarity when they realize the path they are on and can see both roads their life might take. As I floated there, I saw that my life was chocked full of things and people I really didn't like. And, I felt, as Henry wrote, that I was living a life of quiet desparation. There is a lot of pain accompanying this feeling and I wanted the pain to stop. And, the only way to do it was to clear all the clutter and say what I truly felt with kindness and love.

I slept the best last night that I have in months. It feels good to just say, "No." Heck, I might even get into the habit.

I Passed!

I saw this at Goodwill this week and wanted wanted wanted it...

I mean WANTED IT!!

It was $75 for 10 pieces...

I WANTED IT...

I drove home.

Looked it up on the Internet to see the value.

I WANTED IT NOW...

I thought about $75.

It wasn't that much...

I REALLY WANTED IT....

I showed it to my BFF Eleanor.

She agreed.

I not only wanted it; I needed it.

What a friend.

We decided that if it were still at the store today,

I could bring it home.

It was.

I left it on the shelf.

I have decided that it is just stuff.

I want my house paid for so I can stay home.

The $75 was transfered as a principle payment on the house.

I still want it... but I don't need it....

Funny thing.

This scripture has run through my head all morning: 

 Matthew 25:23:

His lord said unto him,

 "Well done, good and faithful servant;

thou hast been faithful over a few things,

I will make thee ruler over many things:

enter thou into the joy of thy lord."

Just say "No"

All my life I have been a pleaser. I take on 1,000,000 things I cannot accomplish just because I can't say, "No, thank you." This has lead to me gaining weight, spending money, owning things I don't like or want, and tied up in situations that gave me hives.

This has all changed.

I don't know if it is my age or just my season in life, but "no" is getting easier and easier to say. Today I was asked to judge a writing contest. I have done this for ten years, usually at the last minute. It takes a lot of time and effort as these are children's and teen-agers' writing and the level of authorship is, er, interesting. It is important to me that I do my very best to be fair and encouraging to each. So, nearly a week is lost while I read 40-50 short stories and respond to them each. The usual email arrived this morning asking me to judge. It took three seconds for me to decide "no" was the best answer.

Even I was shocked.

I am learning to turn down invitations and offers galore. Why, just today, I turned myself down on seconds to the warm banana bread.

Is it easy for you to say "no" or do you give in? How do you do it gracefully?