This is a brief missive as I have spent the last twenty minutes wrassling myself into my winter tights. How many times have you bought hose or tights that are listed as "Size D: Women 5'9" between 180-220 pounds" only to find that they won't stretch over your 5'5" size 14 body? How many times have you gotten your hose on only to discover you need One More Potty Break, but you try to ignore it because you don't think the bathroom stall has enough wiggle room for you to fight those things back up, albeit halfway what the first battle covered? How many times have you gotten your hose or tights settled and then taken a step or two and learned they were crooked? And then you had to make the decision: Do I flop on the bed to try to fight them back on straight or just learn to sway a little so they aren't so blasted miserable?
Is this you, friend?
Then, join me in a tight and panty hose revolution! It is time, ladies, that we unite and demand, yeah, even scream, that the men who design these medieval torture devises must squeeze themselves into something that starts out the size of my wallet. It is time, women, that we send these nasty little guys back to their Makers! Females everywhere, it is time that the manufacturers get it right! All women are not six feet tall and weigh twelve pounds and have no thighs! That is what makes us beautiful -- our thighs, our hips, our little round bellies that will never be flat after that last baby that weight nine pounds!
We demand that manufacturers acknowledge our bumps and imperfections by making tights and hose that are STRETCHY and will accommodate the least of our sisters as well as the greatest of them.
We demand that the colour be what is on the package. What is the difference between "nude" and "natural" anyhow?
We demand that there be an OBVIOUS front and back to our panty portion of the hose. Nothing is worse than getting the behind before and not having time to fix the problem and then walk around all day with the back end slipping down, down, down.
We demand that hose be manufactured without the twist factor! This speaks for itself...
We demand that the toes be grafted and not sewn with a thick seam that either renders our toe tips numb or requires a larger pair of shoes!
We demand that packaging indicate the TRUE size of the nylon and not the speculated one!
Sisters, join me! This is a fight worthy of our time and efforts! This has been too long in coming! Now is the time! Now is the time to end panty hose tyranny! Now is the time for us to declare our independence from the random whimsey of those who seek to enslave us to a five ounce garment! Pick up your hose and let's occupy Hanes, Worthington, and L'eggs! Let's demand our rights! Who's with me??
Give me a sec, won't you? Seems I have my hose on crooked... carry on, people...