Before you decide "something is wrong," let me assure you, it is not. It is just where I happen to be right now.
You know, we start out life full of lofty goals and aspirations, only to find that, sometimes, our choices have left us so far off track that we hardly recognize how we got to where we are.... or even who the heck we are anymore... My life dream was to live on a farm, write, have about a football team of children, and a partner who would share my dreams. We would grow old surrounded by our children and grand children. Life would be quiet, orderly, and peaceful. I would teach fall and spring and write all summer long. Home would be a haven. It would be filled with laughter, love, and joy. My needs would be few; my pleasures many.
So, here I am, looking at my life and saying, "Um, can I have a redo, please?" I guess we all can look at certain places in our lives and say, "Yup; that's were I should have turned left. Or right... Or not at all.... "
But, it is what it is, right?
We did not change as we grew older;
we just became more clearly ourselves.
Years ago, I had two tattoos done (yes, tattoos) -- one was a dragon turning back on itself which symbolizes personal power in the Oriental culture. It is in a place where no one ever would see it, because I felt that choice was personal and for me only. The other was a wing, on my heel and ankle, to remind me never to become earthbound again. To always dream and look up. To be authentic to myself and to remember that life is more than looking down. I always did think that the worse punishment from God for that originial sin was not only the separation from Him, but also the fact that human kind was doomed to always look down to make their way in the world. No looking up and dreaming, unless we stopped and did it On Purpose.
Not sure how to end this post. I guess it is a letter to myself more than anything. So, dear Martha, let go. Reach out. Look up. Dream. Be scared. Be angry. Be frank. There is more sand in the bottom of the hourglass than in the top. Quit being "earth bound" and remember how it felt to have wings. Use them.