Sunday, July 8, 2012

Confessions

While I have been cleaning my house and around the farm, I have been cleaning my thoughts and mind as well. I have learned many things about myself... some which please me while others disappoint me.

Most of my life I have felt like an outsider. I wanted to be accepted, to feel that I had a place with others. Often I have sold myself short or followed the crowd just to make myself believe that I fit. This meant that if someone read a book, talked about an idea, or did something 'interesting' that I would have to do it too. I couldn't trust myself to be who I am; it just hurt too much to feel alone.

As I have cleared out the clutter, I have realized that I still do this. I still want to be the member of the "club" whatever that is. However, it isn't fulfilling who I am. You know, we ask God for guidance to be who we should be, but are we really listening? Seriously, are we taking the time to listen to what we are being told? Or, are we too busy letting others influence us so that we don't have time to listen to the Big Guy and be true to that path?? I know that I have let others influence me more than I should. And, I have paid the tuition to that school repeatedly. You do know that the definition of "stupid" is doing the same thing again and again expecting a different outcome?? Well, here is the picture of stupid: Me.

This farm is full to the brim of those useless followings and urges. We can't openly discuss the amount of money, time, and energy that has gone into trying to feel like a 'member of the club.' It is too depressing. And, to be candid, the frustration of this knowledge has left me feeling like I did when I lost my bikini top in Lake Wales when I tried to learn to ski. Embarrassed and foolish... and sort of wishing I were invisible.

So, here it is, folks, I am what I am. Just like Popeye. I am a failure at many things, but that is because they are not the things I should be. I am a success at being me. Just tonight we were watching this horribly campy movie, "Captain Smith and Pocohontas" (don't give up an hour of your life to watch this; trust me) and the closing scene was of the Pocohontas statute in London. The Mister asked me, "Have you seen this?" And, I had. In person. I thought for a minute. "You know, I have had a wonderful life, mostly," I told him. It has just been in the past few years that I have tried to find a way to fit in where maybe I don't belong and it has left me feeling like I am dressed for a day in the garden even though I am attending a grand ball. And, truth be told, I would rather garden.

So, here it is. My life. Take it or leave it. Me? I'm in with both feet!

7 comments:

  1. Well, Miss Matty, you can join my club. The club of not fitting into any other clubs. It's pretty exclusive, though, as it is never easy to march to your own drummer. But just think of how much fun you'll have when everyone is discussing the latest bestseller or the must-see TV and you won't have a clue to what they are talking about, because you were too busy reading and watching what you wanted. And not to mention doing, what you want! We better get on with living our own lives, times a-ticking! Can you believe it's July already?

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    1. It makes me think of old songs that ponder where does time go! LOL Yeppers, Jane, any club you are in is just fine with me! I giggled so hard tonight when I was in Michael's and looked at a magazine at the counter and commented on the picture of the model. "She's too skinny," I commented and added, "is she someone I should know??" The checker couldn't believe I didn't know the dancer! And when I told her I had no TV she did double time to Get Me Out Of There NOW! LOL

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  2. I am so right there with you both. I'm just glad I figured this out before I became any older. I'm 61. My mother had 2 sisters and I was the oldest granddaughter. I've spent all of my life trying to fit in. One day they would let me and then for most times they would not. Which always led me to believe I would someday if I kept trying. I took care of my mother off and on for 11 years after a massive stroke. She had issues more than I realized. She had narcasistic personality disorder. Even as my daughter and I cleaned her home this past spring we saw the evidence of it. Everything was about her not what she did for others. She taught me to give my all to make her life good and I did. I married a man who did the same and we divorced after 18 years. I get to be free now. My daughter and I are both learning how to be true to who we are. How we like to give a hand up to others, keep a clean, decluttered home and we are working our way toward that. The only part left to do is cleaning my garage and moving my things to a rental I have. I have chosen to live there so I can sell my home. I want less responsibility so that I can do the things I really want to do instead of taking care of all the stuff. Life is moving forward. God is good to give me this time to smile and enjoy a better way of life. A way I would choose.

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    1. Good for you both, Rita! Teaching your daughter this lesson now will make her life so much easier! How fortunate she is to have a Mum who will have the courage to do what is best rather than worry about how to fit the "mold" of other's ideas of life! You go, girl! You deserve to be happy!

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  3. " I am a failure at many things, but that is because they are not the things I should be." Oh thank you for saying this. I so needed to hear it. I am going to write this down. By the way I would not change a thing about you xox Clarice

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  4. I figured out several years ago.. I dont fit in many molds.. i fit in my own quite well.. But that doesnt keep me from slipping occasionally and trying to fit in a mold Not made for me!

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  5. I hadn't checked the "Friends" section of my rss feed for a few days and suddenly I see FOUR posts from you!

    I have never fit in easily so I understand, that is why we are friends?

    Partly due to circumstances of moving a lot as a child and an adult but also being a bit of a introvert. Which people who don't know me well are surprised by because I have chatty fingers, when I write I am an extrovert but in real life I choose just a few good friends.

    One of the other women who write for the Mom Heart blog said something interesting in her post this month, she said "holy women tend to be lonely". I understood exactly what she meant!

    When one chooses to follow Christ, we are on the straight and narrow (even if WE don't feel that way) and too often those around us who do not follow Him seem to feel threatened by the Light of the One who resides in us.

    Nothing we can do will make us fit in with the others and part of getting older is realizing that. (I, too, have things in the past which make me cringe but God always ask me if I learned something from each situation... that is what matters.)

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Thanks for dropping in on the farm today! I enjoy your comments!

Warmly,

Matty