Confessions

While I have been cleaning my house and around the farm, I have been cleaning my thoughts and mind as well. I have learned many things about myself... some which please me while others disappoint me.

Most of my life I have felt like an outsider. I wanted to be accepted, to feel that I had a place with others. Often I have sold myself short or followed the crowd just to make myself believe that I fit. This meant that if someone read a book, talked about an idea, or did something 'interesting' that I would have to do it too. I couldn't trust myself to be who I am; it just hurt too much to feel alone.

As I have cleared out the clutter, I have realized that I still do this. I still want to be the member of the "club" whatever that is. However, it isn't fulfilling who I am. You know, we ask God for guidance to be who we should be, but are we really listening? Seriously, are we taking the time to listen to what we are being told? Or, are we too busy letting others influence us so that we don't have time to listen to the Big Guy and be true to that path?? I know that I have let others influence me more than I should. And, I have paid the tuition to that school repeatedly. You do know that the definition of "stupid" is doing the same thing again and again expecting a different outcome?? Well, here is the picture of stupid: Me.

This farm is full to the brim of those useless followings and urges. We can't openly discuss the amount of money, time, and energy that has gone into trying to feel like a 'member of the club.' It is too depressing. And, to be candid, the frustration of this knowledge has left me feeling like I did when I lost my bikini top in Lake Wales when I tried to learn to ski. Embarrassed and foolish... and sort of wishing I were invisible.

So, here it is, folks, I am what I am. Just like Popeye. I am a failure at many things, but that is because they are not the things I should be. I am a success at being me. Just tonight we were watching this horribly campy movie, "Captain Smith and Pocohontas" (don't give up an hour of your life to watch this; trust me) and the closing scene was of the Pocohontas statute in London. The Mister asked me, "Have you seen this?" And, I had. In person. I thought for a minute. "You know, I have had a wonderful life, mostly," I told him. It has just been in the past few years that I have tried to find a way to fit in where maybe I don't belong and it has left me feeling like I am dressed for a day in the garden even though I am attending a grand ball. And, truth be told, I would rather garden.

So, here it is. My life. Take it or leave it. Me? I'm in with both feet!