Wednesday, June 19, 2013

An Indifferent Monarch: Mr. Wookie


My little man is very sick with bone cancer which started in his jaw and is spreading. I noticed he was drooling some in his sleep and thought a tooth was bothering him, so I took him to the vet for a check-up. We don't go often; he isn't sick, usually, and, since we started him on a special diet for bladder stones, he never goes.

The first visit it was decided to treat him for an infection in spite of the fact that he had no fever and no sign of infection in the mouth. Ten days later, the lump was worse. Since then, he had an x-ray which revealed the spreading cancer in his jaw.

He was given pain meds and sent home to wait to die, "probably within 21 days... during which time he will be in agony."

This was six weeks ago. He has not been in pain, that we can tell (no crying, trembling, balling up, or isolation); he still wants to eat (although that is getting harder as his jaw is now out of alignment and I am hand feeding him four times a day);  he still wants to sleep on me and to taste my food -- just in case it was better than his. In short, he is normal except for the whole jaw thing.

During these weeks, I have spent a lot of time thinking about how to know when to let him go. No one should love an animal as I do him. I hold him, kiss him, stroke him, talk with him, feed him from my plate, carry him, wash him, and generally act a fool over him. It might be his indifference to me that keeps me challenged in this one-sided relationship, but I just can't show him how much I love him. Stupid, isn't it? Yet, I do.

I know the day will come when he will no longer be able to drink or will be in pain and I will have to release him. Unlike the roosters, I don't want to see him go. Ever. Yet, I know he will. And, when that day comes, I will lock myself in the bathroom, cry until I am sick, and then bury him wrapped in the blanket I knit him. But,until then, I will enjoy every minute I can with this indifferent monarch.

4 comments:

  1. I am SO sorry for you. It hurts but also good to have time to say goodbye.

    When my daughter and her family were driving the long ride home from here to New England, she found out their neighbor's dog had been killed that morning.

    They cared for that dog almost as much as their own. It was so unexpected.

    Give your fluffy sweety an extra gentle hug from Miss Victoria and me!

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  2. I'm so sorry, Matty. Don't you wish pets could just pass away quietly in their sleep? It doesn't sound like Wookie is suffering too much if he's still interested in eating.

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  3. Oh we are hugging you, Matty... and sending our love and tender purry hugs to your Mr. Wookie.

    And for sure it's not stupid. You just go on and love him with all you have... love is the very thing that propels every part of our universe...and our furry loved ones are a best beloved part of His creation.

    When Miss Kitty was ill and I was praying for her, I causht sight -- in my heart -- that she was being held very tenderly in Jesus' hands. They were looking at each other, and I got such very real sense that she knew she was 'home' and perfectly loved by Him. It gave me so much comfort then... even now after these years later.

    So, I pray you you a special comfort from the Comforter as only He does it.

    Brenda

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  4. Matty, I'm so truly sorry to hear about Wookie, It is a beautiful thing to see the love you have for him. I have often thought about what I would feel or do if I ever lost my Barkley. But the one thing that you can always feel sure about: is that you have given Wookie the best life that any cat can live and your love for him is a wonderful thing that has brought goodness into this world. Someone once told me of a scripture proverb that says: "God loves those who care for the souls of their domestic animals". How pleased he must be when he sees you and the way you care for his creatures. You have a heart of gold. With Love, Delisa

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Matty