Friday, December 14, 2012

Am I the Only One?

Everywhere I look, people are excited, decorating, happy, celebrating, spending too much, shopping, shopping, shopping... And me?

I sit.

And cry.

And eat.

Christmas has never been a big favorite of mine. Too much pressure to "be perfect", whatever that is. Yet, when the Airman was growing up, it was a wonderful time. I couldn't start soon enough. We baked. Decorated. Went to movies. Watched movies. Walked. Talked. And just had a marvelous time.

I miss that.

I have no desire to decorate, bake, shop, eat (more than the coffee ice cream with chocolate bits that I had for lunch), or do much of anything else. In short, I am blue. More than blue; I am a dark hole with no bottom.

Don't get me wrong. I really do want to feel all this blustery excitement, but it just isn't in me. Instead, I want to crawl into my unmade bed, wearing the jammies I have worn for two days, and pull the covers over my head and wake up in spring.

I have really tried. Truly. My shopping is done. And that is all I have in me.

Being blue isn't a new thing for me; heck, let's face it. We all have it. But this dark hole is harder than anything I can see my way out.


  1. Sorry to hear you are blue. But you are not alone. This season has changed and is geared towards crazy pressures instead of the true meaning.

  2. Do a few things like wrap a couple presents. Fix hot chocolate, fix your favorite candy. You don't have to do could do one of these each day. Put forth a bit of effort and enjoy the sunshine. I've been feeling just like you. I have had a couple of sad things happen lately that would knock your socks off. I'm just walking through the emotional mud the best that I can. I didn't put up a tree as no one is coming here but I am listening to music and putting a little Christmas up on the flat surfaces in the living room. ((hugs)) I wish you the very best! If we wait long enough things always get better.

  3. Dear Matty,

    I hear you! Christmas is a big ball of emotions for me, too. I go through the motions of sending little things and doing cards, and want to remember everyone with something lovely and homemade, but end up feeling guilty and deflated when I'm not superhuman, after all. C'est la vie, I suppose! Only a few more weeks, and it'll all be over, for a whole year. :)



  4. Thinking of you Matty and sending big hugs. When I get blue - a drive by myself in my car does wonders. I love to drive plus I'm away from all that stuff in my house that pulls at me in one way or another.

  5. I am sorry you are blue.. Christmas is not my favorite time.. It is so over done!... My parents don't even decorate anymore.. We buy small time stuff and really things the girls need.. God impressed on me to simplify things several years ago.. It has saved us a lot of $$ and stress.... I focus on the not so perfect... Perfect is unattainable while we are in this body.... Hugs to you my friend.. Takes some Vit D or soak in any available sunshine...

  6. I was the same way for a few years. Especially once Christopher entered college and was rarely home.

    But then a few years ago I decided I was going to fight it, which I guess shows up in my blog posts. I called it "spiritual warfare through decorating".

    I had stopped putting many of my Christmas decorations up except a few snowmen and my tree. Most of them stayed in the garage, about as dark as my mood felt (for I USE to love Christmas more than any time of the year).

    Then one year I decided I wasn't going to let the devil have all the good music, so to speak (with apologies to Larry Norman). I was fighting back. I did the opposite of what I did (or did not do) when I was so blue.

    I decorated the house, I filled it with Christmas music, I read Christmas books, I did an Advent devotional, I even watched Christmas movies (some of which are wonderfully dorky).

    It didn't change the fact that I was broke (and still am, I was in town this morning and realized I didn't have enough money to buy a cup of coffee on the way home from the post office).

    It didn't change the fact my kids are not at home, although Stephanie was texting me from a tea room in Connecticut where she had taken my oldest grandchild on a special "girls only trip".

    But I felt so much better this and every year since then because I was fighting back against the darkness that wanted each year to overcome my soul... and yes, it does seem to be more a battle each year.


  7. Hi Matty! Thank you for the letter you sent the other day, it was so nice hearing from you. I am sorry that you are having a difficult December. It certainly is a hectic time of year to say the least. I like staying home if I can and avoid the traffic, crowds and rush. It makes me sad too when I see the tired , glazed look in people's eyes and the children being dragged around the store crying and miserable. My thoughts and prayers are with you, it sounds like you have some big decisions coming up, I hope it will all work out for you. It sounds like a wonderful opportunity to have some land on your family farm! I hope that all things will go smoothly for you. I have really enjoyed getting to know you over our blogs and for all the sweet and encouraging comments you always leave. I really love your sense of humor and your creativity. I so admire you for your hardworking and generous spirit, and the love and concern you show for people and your community. If I could I would sit with you and we could share a big bowl of ice cream. My favorite is Blue Bell peppermint, with the little pieces of candy in it. Oh my goodness, the best! With Love, Delisa :)


Thanks for dropping in on the farm today! I enjoy your comments!